The Joke Thread

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Daniel2019
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Daniel2019 »

Funny how people like it when put your kids as your Facebook profile pic, but hate when you change it to a picture of theirs.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Daniel2019 »

Did you hear about the chicken that got further than the other side?
It was beyond a joke

I fix cars.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Bennoz »

Daniel2019 wrote:Did you hear about the chicken that got further than the other side?
It was beyond a joke

http://www.sadtuba.com/

:lol:
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

Lie detector

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps The mum!




Q. What's worse then chauvinistic male pig?
A. Woman that doesn't do what she is told.




How does every sexist joke start?
By making sure you're out of earshot of the kitchen.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and frankly you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more then a two bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone anymore, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Beer, it saved the world! I'll drink to that Image

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf3YvXM9j5o
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome ..

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

She is
slim,
tall,
has 38D breasts,
24" waist and
34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say,
"My God"
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1998 Mitsubishi FTO GPVR AERO ;)
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Re: The Joke Thread

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
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Re: The Joke Thread

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways!

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive."

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
There are two types of people on forums; those that give helpful advice, and the others

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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by kiz »

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.


The 1ST kind of sex is called: SMURF SEX. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2ND kind of sex is called: KITCHEN SEX. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3RD kind of sex is called: BEDROOM SEX. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4TH kind of sex is called: HALLWAY SEX * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

The 5TH kind of sex is called: RELIGIOUS SEX. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6TH kind is called COURTROOM SEX. This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband any more. He / she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; last, but not least, The 7TH kind of sex is called: PENSION SEX. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Daniel2019 »

"I'm sorry love, but do you take it up the arse? Or can you just swallow it?" I asked this fit bird down the drug store.

"Can you f**k off you creep?!" she yelled back, "I'm sick of men like you thinking we're so easy."

"Listen miss can you calm the f**k down and tell me how I'm supposed to take these suppositories you've just sold me?" I replied.
I fix cars.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job..

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK,
so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you
sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook
and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me....a guy came
in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go
fishing.'
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by kiz »

Bloke in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks,

"Have you got a pen?"

She looks up, smiles and says;

"Yes I do"

"Well" he says; "You'd better f**k off back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".
There are two types of people on forums; those that give helpful advice, and the others

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Kustom
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Kustom »

^^^^^^^^^ LOL

THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE.
Image
Image
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by fraz91 »

TOOLS THAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE.

ARC WELDER: An industrial tanning machine that also drops molten
steel down into your shoes thus teaching how to dance at the same time.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Oh Hell'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
After you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
Bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
And my favourite...

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shed
while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
I'll have an FTO one day... i swear!

until then:
1. 2001 Merc-Benz A160 (porta-loo on wheels)
2. 2007 Peugeot 307 TDi (more fun than you'd expect)
3. [url=ttp://ftoaustralia.com/v3/viewtopic.php?f=29&t=25373]2009 Mitsubishi Triton Di-D (a monster in its own right)[/url]
4. 1992 Nissan NX Coupe (club car and project car)
5. 1996 Holden SB Barina - "The Nugget"
6. 1996 Jeep XJ Cherokee Sport - The Budget Build
7. 2010 Toyota Landcruiser 76 Series - V8 Goodness... - Build coming soon.
8. 1990 Audi 90 manual - The delightfully dignified daily driver
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Bennoz »

Gold :lol:
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Supplanter »

Bennoz wrote:Old :lol:
EFA

Actually, it is probably already in this thread...
LED ALL the things.
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mikeey01nzl
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

Image

Image
Beer, it saved the world! I'll drink to that Image

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf3YvXM9j5o
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

A MESSAGE TO ALL JUSTIN BEIBER HATERS.

I owe my life to Justin.
On March 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months following a terrible car crash.
One day the nurse turned on the radio and Justin Beiber was playing.
In that split second, I got out of bed and turned off the radio.

_______________________________________________________________



I was pulled over by the police last night.
"Have we had a drinks tonight sir?" He asked.
"Yes officer." I replied. "I've had 12 tinnies of that stuff the aussies call beer, XXXX."
"Ok then sir,could you just blow into this for me. I think it's pretty obvious what the result will be."
"Just as I thought." He said, taking back the breathalyser and studying it."Enjoy the rest of your journey sir,and get that bloody brake light fixed."


_______________________________________________________________


Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part. Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


_______________________________________________________________

And now the Tom jokes...............

Apparently the marriage ran into problems when Katie tried to grab Toms cock in bed...
"nobody tosses a dwarf!"

It was announced today that Tom Cruise is to star in a new movie - Marriage Impossible III


It's hardly news that Tom Cruise prefers cocks.
Most c**nts do.
Beer, it saved the world! I'll drink to that Image

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf3YvXM9j5o
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mikeey01nzl
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

What's the odd one out : a woman, a fridge, awashing machine & a microwave oven.---the microwave it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fucked.
__________________________________________________________________

Guy goes to the Doc and says "Doc, I've got a sex problem.
Doc says "What's up?"
The guy says,"My wife wakes me at 5am for a 2hr shag before work.
Doc nods and is about to speak when the guy says: "That's not all, on the train there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I give her a shag".

"I see", says the Doc,

"No you don't, cos then at work I've gotta f**k my female boss just to keep my job, my secretary so she won't blab about me shaggin' the boss; the waitress at the local restaurant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home and then my wife the minute I get in the door.".

Quite taken back the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem"?

"Well ",says the guy, "It hurts when I wank".

__________________________________________________________________

"Give it to me" she screamed "I'm so f**king wet. I want it now!"
She could scream all the wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Beer, it saved the world! I'll drink to that Image

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf3YvXM9j5o
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mikeey01nzl
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by mikeey01nzl »

Husband comes home to find his wife packing her bags, so he asks what's going on. "I'm moving to Thailand", says she, "I've just found out I can get paid $400 a night there for what I do for you for free!"

He walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing too. "Where are you going?", she asks.

"Thailand. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

__________________________________________________________________


The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"


__________________________________________________________________


I got my Tax Return "Returned"!

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes for next year, but the IRD sent my Tax Return back!!
I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:
"List All Dependents"... I replied

1/2 million illegal immigrants, 1/4 million junkies, 2 million unemployable people on the Dole, 10,000 people in prisons throughout NZ, and over 120 fools in Parliment.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable. So I sent it back with a question...

"Did I forget someone?"
Beer, it saved the world! I'll drink to that Image

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf3YvXM9j5o
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