The Joke Thread

Anything off topic that you want to share with the group. (warning this board may include coarse language)

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G1
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Jokes

Post by G1 »

I thought I would start a thread on jokes, so people can post their best ones... heres a good one i came across recently

Not tonight dear
> >
> >I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men
> >& women differ so much. And I never have figured out
> >the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured
> >out why men think with their head and women with their
> >heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire
> >gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
> >hears the words "I do."
> >
> >One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
> >bed.
> >
> >Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
> >eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want
> >you to hold me."
> >I said "WHAT????!!!"
> >
> >So she says the words that every husband on the planet
> >dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my
> >emotional needs as a woman."
> >
> >I am thinking "what was her first clue?"
> >
> >I finally realize that nothing was going to happen
> >that night so I went to sleep.
> >
> >The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed
> >dept. store...I walked around with her while she tried
> >on three different very expensive outfits. She
> >couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to
> >take all three.
> >
> >She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for
> >each outfit."
> >
> >We went to the jewellery dept. where she gets a pair of
> >diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so
> >excited. She must have thought I was one wave short
> >of a shipwreck.
> >
> >I started to think she was testing me because she
> >asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know
> >how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
> >when I said it was OK.
> >
> >She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You
> >should have seen her face when she said "I think this
> >is all dear, lets go to the cash register."
> >
> >I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No
> >honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff
> >now."
> >You should have seen her face...it went completely
> >blank.
> >
> >I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD
> >this stuff for a while."
> >
> >And just when she had this look like she was going to
> >kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my
> >financial needs as a man."
> >
> >I figure that I won't be having sex again until
> >sometime after the spring of 2008.
Disrespect is easy. Respect is the difficult road to take.
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GPXXX
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Post by GPXXX »

oh look, a bottle of superglue... ;)
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Post by rxboy »

An oldie, but a goodie:
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute,
since he had never been with one before, he
was curious and excited.

They spent the night together in a hotel;
He went down on her and has sex in the
morning one last time before departing.

As he was heading for the door,
the prostitute yelled,
"Hey, what about my money?"

The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look
and shrugged his shoulders.
She said, "Come here", and pulled a
dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to
the word "prostitute" and its definition,

"Has sex and gets paid.

"Finally understanding, the koala borrowed
her dictionary, turned to the word "koala"
and showed her, "Eats bush, roots and leaves".
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
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Post by G1 »

puhahaha i havent seen that one before actually

heres another oldie... if you havent heard it before then get ready to piss your pants

>Grandma's Letter
>
>
>
>The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if
you love Jesus bumper sticker.
>
>
>
>I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
>
>I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.
>
>
>It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.
>
>
>
>I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus.
>
>
>Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.
>
>I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach...
>
>
>I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
>
>
>Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.
>
>
>My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.
>
>
>A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
>
>
>I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.
>
>
>So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through
the intersection.
>
>
>
>I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.
>
>Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
>
>
>
>Share Grandma's letter with your friends
>
Disrespect is easy. Respect is the difficult road to take.
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Post by GPXXX »

i got soooo many jokes in my collection (since uni days) it's not funny, and i really can't be bothered looking them up and posting it here, so for now here's some for your amusement...

http://www.bash.org/?top
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Black_FTOGPX
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Post by Black_FTOGPX »

Two Muffins are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and say’s Holy SH*T it’s hot in here.


The other muffin turned and screamed “HOLY SH@T A TALKING MUFFINâ€
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Post by Redboost »

A bear and a rabbit are taking a sh*t in the forest when the bear asks the rabbit, "Excuse me, do you ever have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No, I don't actually." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it!
"If you aren't remembered, then you never really existed"
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Post by Hellsmurf »

just a short one from me, but one of my favorites: just make sure you get a mental picture....


Q: How do you make mincemeat?




A: Give a guitar to a leper


:P god, im gonna get mobbed for that one ;)
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Post by SilentBob »

heard at a comedy gig last week(Ross Noble...very funny guy)

Why are the telletubies colour co-ordinated?
So the wiggles know which ones their bitch


SilentBob
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Post by TimmyD »

Redboost wrote:A bear and a rabbit are taking a sh*t in the forest when the bear asks the rabbit, "Excuse me, do you ever have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No, I don't actually." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it!
thats the delerious joke, but edited... its funnier the way eddie sez it :P
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Post by GPXXX »

some quick favourite oldies:

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

Police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story: never lie to kids!
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Post by GPXXX »

A Duck walks into a bar and says to the barman:

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*$king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*$king beak to the bar you irritating bast*rd!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?
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Post by GPXXX »

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

Teacher: "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry: "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks has had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3+3?"
Harry: "6"

Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her: "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks: "Let me ask him some questions!" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs"

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry replied: "Pockets"

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"

Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and
sticky?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry was taking charge).
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
(The principal takes his handkerchief to clean the heavy sweat tears running down his face).
Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?"
Harry: "Yep!"

Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
(The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!!"
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Post by FTO338 »

Ok here's one for those don't keep up to date with current world issue.


Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey.


The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure......

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
DISCLAIMER: The above text is the personal opinion of the author and does not represent the indisputable truth. The author is not responsible for any deaths, injuries or mental illness caused by the above statments.
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Post by smorison »

A Man walked into a bar with a bit of ashfelt under his arm.
he said to the bartender.
"Can i have a beer and one for the road thanks"
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Post by Supplanter »

These jokes are more for kids, and you would be suprised how many adults can't get them... oh wait, we are all kids here :P

Q: How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

A: Open the fridge door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

A: Open the fridge door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close
the door.

Q: The lion calls a meeting of all the animals. When the meeting is about to begin, he realises that one animal is missing. Which animal is it?

A: It is the elephant (he is still in the fridge).

Q: An explorer in the African jungle had a bit of trouble with the natives, and was consequently running for his life. He came across a wide river, one he knew was inhabited by a large crocodile that had aquired a taste for human flesh. He heard the natives gaining on him and knew he had to cross. How did he make it across alive?

A: He swam across (the crocodile was at the meeting).
LED ALL the things.
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rxboy
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Post by rxboy »

I hope the girls don't get offended by this one 8O :


> Dear Technical Support,
>
> 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2,
which
> I had used for years without any trouble.
>
> However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products
and
> the only solution was to ry and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound
turned
off.
>
> To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other
> applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy
6.9.
>
> Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
>
> A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and
left
> a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
> weeks.
>
> Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same
> time , only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other,
> they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée
1.0,
> only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to
Wife
> 1.0.
>
> While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does
come
> bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.
>
> Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very
> unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
stored
> in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced
months
> later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
> Diary Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch
> TurboStrop and Whinge.
>
> These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess
what
> the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
> regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and
Hairstyle
> Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also
> spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These
conflict
> with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they
are
> an illegal operation.
>
> Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard
> drive, it often crashes.
>
> Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-In-Law,
> which can't be turned off.
>
> Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could
be
> problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
> detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files
before
> uninstalling itself.
>
> Please Help!'
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Post by GPXXX »

here's an old favourite of mine but mehhh...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the  female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming  reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty... :?:shock:
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Post by ruchi »

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day and is told of the tasks she needs to complete.

Only an hour later there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door and the Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
MIVEC is My Friend :D
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Post by FTO338 »

heehehe u lucky elmo doesn't come to this forum anymore. Heard this one couple yrs back, but it was much shorter though. :wink:
DISCLAIMER: The above text is the personal opinion of the author and does not represent the indisputable truth. The author is not responsible for any deaths, injuries or mental illness caused by the above statments.
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