Proof that lawyers are paid way too much....

[GPXXX]

* quite a lengthy read but i promise you it's worth it, hahaha!

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Lawyer : Are you sexually active?
Witness : No, I just lie there.

Lawyer : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer : And why did that upset you?
Witness : My name is Susan.

Lawyer : What is your date of birth?
Witness : July fifteenth.
Lawyer : What year?
Witness : Every year.

Lawyer : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness : Yes.
Lawyer : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness : I forget.
Lawyer : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer : How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer : How long has he lived with you?
Witness : Forty-five years.

Lawyer : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Lawyer : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness : Yes.
Lawyer : And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer : How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness : By death.
Lawyer : And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer : Can you describe the individual?
Witness : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer : Was this a male, or a female?

Lawyer : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for breathing?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

What is your brother-in-law's name?
Borofkin.
What's his first name?
I can't remember.
He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
No.

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.

Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I should be.
How many times have you comitted suicide?
Four times.

Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
No.

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Do you drink when you're on duty?
I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

(Showing man picture.) That's you?
Yes, sir.
And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed
in the war?

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were
your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the degendant say anything when she
got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

[Supplanter]

That was so funny there are tears running down my face.

[d_stroy_r]

what a crack up........yet it's not offencive, well done

give us more, if you can get any.

[smorison]

what a crack up........yet it's not offencive, well done

give us more, if you can get any.

yeah mikey go raid more message boards

hehe

[sxcfto]

Excellent love reading stuff like this at work everyone thinks your glad to be working hard and never know what your actually doing is reading jokes !

[DZYRME]

Hahaha That is soo funny. How can some people be so stupid?

This one is my favourite:

Lawyer : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for breathing?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

[smorison]

Lawyer : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for breathing?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

yeah i was absolutely pissing myself laughing over this one.

[Quattro]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm wetting myself here!!!!

[FTO338]

Technically a human can still live for 1-2mins after the brain had detached from his/her head.

Anyone care 2 try?? haahhhahahah

[GPXXX]

i got a hacksaw with me, hehehe....