The Joke Thread

[afterburner]

Bahahahahahaahah...

Oh hang on, where are NZ in the ratings again?

Bugger...

[sxcfto]

> Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
> absolutely
> packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience
> he
> asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
>
> A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
> shouts
> at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
>
> Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
> career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
> goes
> into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
>
> When he finishes the whole place goes wild! The little old man jumps up
> again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord"
>
> A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
> dives
> straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
> minor
> chord and really tears the place apart.
>
> The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
>
> The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
> jazz
> chord".
>
> Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
> appreciate
> his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass.
> You
> get up here and do it!"
>
> The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
> starts to sing ..............
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> . wait for it............
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
>
>
>

[sxcfto]

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he
can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by
inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend
over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing
in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the
other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's
the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that,
he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

[sxcfto]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
>>first graders
>>
>> using a bowl of lifesavers.
>>
>> He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at

>>a time, and
>>
>> asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The
>>children began to
>>
>> say:
>>
>>
>>
>> Red............cherry
>>
>> Yellow........lemon
>>
>> Green........lime
>>
>> Orange.....orange
>>
>>
>>
>> Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
>>
>> After eating them for a few minutes none of the children
>>could identify the
>>
>> taste.
>>
>> "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your
mother
>>might
>>
>> sometimes call your father."
>>
>>
>>
>> One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and
>>yelled, "Oh, my God!
>>
>> They're assholes!"

[sxcfto]

This is one of those heart-warming
>>> stories you just
>>>
>>> have to share with good friends.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A man was sitting on a beach.
>>>
>>> Tragically, through a recent car accident, he had lost both both
>> his
>>> arms and legs.
>>>
>>> During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three
>> women
>>> separately walked past him.
>>>
>>> Each felt very sorry for the poor man.
>>>
>>> The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"
>>>
>>> The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
>>>
>>> The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"
>>>
>>> The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
>>>
>>> The third woman came to him and said: "Have you ever been
>> f**ked?"
>>>
>>> The fellow said "No"
>>>
>>> She said: "You will be when the tide comes in."
>>
>>

[wild_flower]

should we redo 1st grade? read and find out! =) man! i'm with the principle! hehehe


A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
> > students. The teacher asked,
> > "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the
> > first Grade.
> >
> > My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
> > should be in the third grade too!"
> >
> > Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
> > Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal
> > what the situation was.
> > The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he
> > failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first
> grade
> > and behave. She agreed.
> >
> > Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
> > agreed to take the test.
> >
> > Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> > Harry: "9".
> >
> > Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> > Harry: "36".
> >
> > And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade
> > should know. The
> > principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
> > third grade."
> >
> > Ms Brooks says to the principal,
> > "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms
> >
> > Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
> > Harry, after a moment "Legs."
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
> > Harry: "Pockets."
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
> > Harry: "Pants"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
> > delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
> > Harry: "Coconut"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
> > The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
> > answer, Harry was taking charge.
> > Harry: "Bubblegum"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and
> a
> > dog does on three legs?"
> > The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
> > answer...
> > Harry: "Shake hands".
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
> > Harry: "Yep".
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up.
> I
> > get wet before you do".
> > Harry: "Tent"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
> > The best man always has me first".
> > The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
> > Harry: "Wedding Ring"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
> > blow me, you feel good".
> > Harry: "Nose"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
> quiver".
> > Harry: "Arrow"
> >
> > Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot
> of
> > heat and excitement?"
> > Harry: "Firetruck"
> >
> > The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
> > "Send Harry to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Bennoz]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me! Just her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car

[FTO338]

So i heard this was base on YOUR own true story.......

[Bennoz]

So i heard this was base on YOUR own true story.......

No mate - I dont use condoms

[SchumieFan]

a blind mans sitting at the bar and says "hey bar tender ,u wanna hear a blonde joke?" the man next to him slides over and wispers u had better not ,as the bar person is blonde and has a black belt in judo ,also the bouncer is blonde and can press 200kgs , the person in the corner is blonde and is in the sas as is his girlfriend sitting next to him.

sir im also blonde and i get upset about blonde jokes , so i ask u do u still wanna tell the joke?

he says nah i cant be bothered explaining it 5 times

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman noticed that a man was masturbating in a hospital room with the door wide open. "Oh my God!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!
Why is he doing that?"

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry ...
but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within minutes."

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's OK," commented the woman.

In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed, "Oh my God! How can that be justified?"

The doctor replied... "Same illness, better health plan."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple was on a holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around

the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have

some special sandals I think you would be interested in. they make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex machine?

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon." The husband, after some
badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he
slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something
his wife hadn't seen in years.

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.


The Jamaican began screaming: "You got them on de wrong feet, mon!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded.

The answer is at the bottom of the page for those who cannot think this
one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the
earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is
getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the
exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
































Don't look down

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to
very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEEDWEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls
them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kg as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10kg, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I cant believe i am posting this being a kiwi... but....


A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead."

The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[AJ]

The last one is Gold!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.





My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
_____________________________

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband
said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can
take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
_____________________________

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the
end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived
for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at
the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the f*cking wall!"

_____________________________

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa
looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with
Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken."

_____________________________

Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman tha t likes to have s*x. and MOST important....
4. It is important that these three women never meet
_____________________________

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money.

So agree the price before you start.

_____________________________

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big
brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Talking Clock",
the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the
man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake,
it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!"



A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have
you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" "No"
replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird
in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

[akuma3]

keep it coming, some of them are so damn funny! i need some entertainment at work

[SchumieFan]

Its the middle of the night and its pitch black, all of a sudden you hear a noise so you walk down the stairs to see your tv floating. What do you say?

Drop it nigga!

and...

[wild_flower]

damn Schumie!
thats mean, but sooooooo funni!

*abbie looks at her ginny pigs with a weird smile*

[ahew]

just got this email... it's totally random and long but I found this hilarious:

!!!!Amazing facts about Chuck Norris... THE MAN!!!!

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the
director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"

and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the
same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris
plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the
light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby
out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it
was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When
Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of
the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct
species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his
most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in
Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who
would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out
transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get
out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green
number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended
or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to
a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then
burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the
flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost
his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its
technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of
Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word,
he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred
when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens
and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I
am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked
them all because someone spilt his beer.

[akuma3]

what ta hell is with the Chuck Norris joke?

[Bennoz]

Its classic A nice change from the Hoff....

[AJ]

The Hoff is way cooler.

[ahew]

Chuck Norris is the Hoff's dad.

[Bennoz]

Chuck Norris is the Hoff's dad.

LOL

Hoff Norris....