A Night Out With the boys
The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I
promised my wife that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beers/bourbons etc... went down way too
easy. Around
3 a.m.. (a bit loaded) I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realising my wife would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in
order
to escape a possible conflict with her.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her
"midnight." she didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that
one!
Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why,
she
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
sh*t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."
The Joke Thread
Moderators: IMC, Club Staff
-
BuCkEt
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1544
- jedwabna poszewka promocja
- Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2004 6:00 pm
- Location: Canberra
-
bexie
- Apprentice
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours. Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow. The old man just stared and stared.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s3x with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
--------------------
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; Its never happened!
--------------------
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s3x with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
--------------------
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; Its never happened!
--------------------
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow
-
Boris
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1448
- Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2004 6:00 pm
Though i'd put some more up.... hahaha...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol Side Effects
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.
3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.
7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making an ass of yourself.
8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How Golf Is Like Urinating In A Public Restroom
1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you're taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol Side Effects
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.
3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.
7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making an ass of yourself.
8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How Golf Is Like Urinating In A Public Restroom
1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you're taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
-
FTO338
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 6712
- Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Port Melbourne: Pimping with RX400h, B200 Turbo.
-
mxysxy
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1905
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: Melbourne
- Contact:
Question: Why there is so many motorbike accidents in Jamaika?
Answer: http://www.zargatt.com.au/fto/jamaika.ppt
Answer: http://www.zargatt.com.au/fto/jamaika.ppt
-
BuCkEt
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1544
- Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2004 6:00 pm
- Location: Canberra
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?â€
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?â€
-
Ther
- Grease Monkey
- Posts: 337
- Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: Sydney- Inner West
>>This is the funniest thing I have read in ages.
>>> >
>>> >
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >was
>>>
>>>> > >visiting
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Texas from the East coast:
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >"Recently I was honored to be
>>
>>> > selected as an outstanding Famous
>>
>>>>> > > > celebrity
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli
>>
>>> > cook-off, because no one else
>>
>>>>> > > > wanted
>>>>
>>>>>> > > > > to
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >do it. Also the original person
>>
>>> > called in sick at the last moment,
>>
>>>> > >and
>>>
>>>>> > > > I
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >happened to be standing there at
>>
>>> > the judge's table asking
>>
>>>> > >directions
>>>> > >to
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > the
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >beer wagon when the call came. I
>>
>>> > was assured by the other two
>>
>>>> > >judges
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >(Native Texans) that the chilli
>>
>>> > wouldn't be all that spicy, and
>>
>>>> > >besides
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >they told me I could have free beer
>>
>>> > during the tasting, so I
>>
>>>> > >accepted."
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Here are the scorecards from the
>>
>>> > event:
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
>>
>>> > Monster Chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on
>>
>>> > tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato
>>
>>> > flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is
>>
>>> > this stuff? You could remove
>>
>>>> > >dried
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > paint
>>>>>
>>>>>>> > > > > > >from your driveway with it. Took me
>>
>>> > two beers to put the flames
>>
>>>> > >out.
>>>
>>>>> > > > Hope
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >that's the worst one. These Texans
>>
>>> > are crazy.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner
>>
>>> > chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of
>>
>>> > pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor,
>>
>>> > needs more peppers to be taken
>>
>>>>> > > > seriously.
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: Keep this out of reach of
>>
>>> > children! I'm not sure what I am
>>
>>>>>> > > > > supposed
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >to taste besides pain. I had to
>>
>>> > wave off two people who wanted to
>>
>>>> > >give
>>>
>>>>> > > > me
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
>>
>>> > walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
>>
>>>> > >when
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > they
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >saw the look on my face.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
>>
>>> > the Barn chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
>>
>>> > chilli! Great kick. Needs more
>>
>>>> > >beans.
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit
>>
>>> > salty, good use of red peppers.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a
>>
>>> > uranium spill. My nose feels
>>
>>>> > >like
>>>> > >I
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >have been snorting Drano. Everyone
>>
>>> > knows the routine by now.
>>
>>>> > >Barmaid
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >pounded me on the back; now my
>>
>>> > backbone is in the front part of my
>>
>>>>> > > > chest.
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >I'm getting sh*t-faced.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with
>>
>>> > almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the
>>
>>> > black beans. Good side dish for fish
>>
>>>> > >or
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >other mild foods, not much of a
>>
>>> > chilli.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: I felt something scraping
>>
>>> > across my tongue, but was unable
>>
>>>> > >to
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > taste
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >it. Sally, the bar maid, was
>>
>>> > standing behind me with fresh refills;
>>
>>>>> > > > that
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >300lb. bitch is starting to look
>>
>>> > HOT, just like this nuclear-waste
>>
>>>> > >I'm
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >eating.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip
>>
>>> > Remover
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli.
>>
>>> > Cayenne peppers freshly ground.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: chilli using shredded
>>
>>> > beef; could use more tomato. Must
>>
>>>>> > > > admit
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >the cayenne peppers make a strong
>>
>>> > statement.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I
>>
>>> > can no longer focus my eyes. I
>>
>>>> > >farted
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > and
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >four people behind me needed
>>
>>> > paramedics. The contestant seemed
>>
>>>> > >offended
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >when I told her that her chilli had
>>
>>> > given me brain damage. Sally
>>
>>>> > >saved
>>>
>>>>> > > > my
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>
>>> > beer directly on it from a pitcher.
>>
>>>> > >It
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >really pisses me off that the other
>>
>>> > judges asked me to stop
>>
>>>> > >screaming.
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > f**k
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >those rednecks!
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
>>
>>> > Variet Chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
>>
>>> > variety chilli. Good balance of
>>
>>>>> > > > spice
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >and peppers.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive
>>
>>> > use of peppers, onions, and
>>
>>>> > >garlic.
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Superb.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: My intestines are now a
>>
>>> > straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>
>>>>>> > > > > sulfuric
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >flames. No one seems inclined to
>>
>>> > stand behind me except that slut
>>
>>>>> > > > Sally.
>>>>
>>>>>> > > > > I
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >need to wipe my ass with a snow
>>
>>> > cone!
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming
>>
>>> > Sensation chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with
>>
>>> > too much reliance on canned
>>
>>>> > >peppers.
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
>>
>>> > chef literally threw in a can
>>
>>>> > >of
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > chilli
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >peppers at the last moment. I
>>
>>> > should note that I am worried about
>>
>>>> > >Judge
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Number 3. He appears to be in a bit
>>
>>> > of distress as he is cursing
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >uncontrollably.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: You could put a f**king
>>
>>> > grenade in my mouth, pull the
>>
>>>> > >f**king
>>>
>>>>> > > > pin,
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
>>
>>> > I've lost the sight in one eye,
>>
>>>> > >and
>>>
>>>>> > > > the
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >world sounds like it is made of
>>
>>> > rushing water. My shirt is covered
>>
>>>> > >with
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >chilli which slid unnoticed out of
>>
>>> > my f**king mouth. My pants are
>>
>>>> > >full
>>>
>>>>> > > > of
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >lava-like sh*t to match my damn
>>
>>> > shirt. At least during the autopsy
>>
>>>>>> > > > > they'll
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >know what killed me. I've decided
>>
>>> > to stop breathing, it's too
>>
>>>> > >painful.
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > f**k
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >it, I'm not getting any oxygen
>>
>>> > anyway. If I need air, I'll just
>>
>>>> > >suck
>>>> > >it
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > in
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >through the f**king 4 inch hole in
>>
>>> > my stomach.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint
>>
>>> > chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this
>>
>>> > is a nice blend chilli, safe for
>>
>>>> > >all,
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > not
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >too bold but spicy enough to
>>
>>> > declare its existence.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a
>>
>>> > good, balanced chilli, neither
>>
>>>> > >mild
>>>
>>>>> > > > nor
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >hot. Sorry to see that most of it
>>
>>> > was lost when Judge Number 3
>>
>>>> > >passed
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > out,
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >fell and pulled the chilli pot on
>>
>>> > top of himself. Not sure if he's
>>
>>>>> > > > going
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >make it. Poor Yank.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: -------------- (editor's
>>
>>> > note: Judge #3 was unable to
>>
>>>> > >report)
>>> >
>>> >
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >was
>>>
>>>> > >visiting
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Texas from the East coast:
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >"Recently I was honored to be
>>
>>> > selected as an outstanding Famous
>>
>>>>> > > > celebrity
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli
>>
>>> > cook-off, because no one else
>>
>>>>> > > > wanted
>>>>
>>>>>> > > > > to
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >do it. Also the original person
>>
>>> > called in sick at the last moment,
>>
>>>> > >and
>>>
>>>>> > > > I
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >happened to be standing there at
>>
>>> > the judge's table asking
>>
>>>> > >directions
>>>> > >to
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > the
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >beer wagon when the call came. I
>>
>>> > was assured by the other two
>>
>>>> > >judges
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >(Native Texans) that the chilli
>>
>>> > wouldn't be all that spicy, and
>>
>>>> > >besides
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >they told me I could have free beer
>>
>>> > during the tasting, so I
>>
>>>> > >accepted."
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Here are the scorecards from the
>>
>>> > event:
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
>>
>>> > Monster Chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on
>>
>>> > tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato
>>
>>> > flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is
>>
>>> > this stuff? You could remove
>>
>>>> > >dried
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > paint
>>>>>
>>>>>>> > > > > > >from your driveway with it. Took me
>>
>>> > two beers to put the flames
>>
>>>> > >out.
>>>
>>>>> > > > Hope
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >that's the worst one. These Texans
>>
>>> > are crazy.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner
>>
>>> > chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of
>>
>>> > pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor,
>>
>>> > needs more peppers to be taken
>>
>>>>> > > > seriously.
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: Keep this out of reach of
>>
>>> > children! I'm not sure what I am
>>
>>>>>> > > > > supposed
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >to taste besides pain. I had to
>>
>>> > wave off two people who wanted to
>>
>>>> > >give
>>>
>>>>> > > > me
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
>>
>>> > walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
>>
>>>> > >when
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > they
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >saw the look on my face.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
>>
>>> > the Barn chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
>>
>>> > chilli! Great kick. Needs more
>>
>>>> > >beans.
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit
>>
>>> > salty, good use of red peppers.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a
>>
>>> > uranium spill. My nose feels
>>
>>>> > >like
>>>> > >I
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >have been snorting Drano. Everyone
>>
>>> > knows the routine by now.
>>
>>>> > >Barmaid
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >pounded me on the back; now my
>>
>>> > backbone is in the front part of my
>>
>>>>> > > > chest.
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >I'm getting sh*t-faced.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with
>>
>>> > almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the
>>
>>> > black beans. Good side dish for fish
>>
>>>> > >or
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >other mild foods, not much of a
>>
>>> > chilli.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: I felt something scraping
>>
>>> > across my tongue, but was unable
>>
>>>> > >to
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > taste
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >it. Sally, the bar maid, was
>>
>>> > standing behind me with fresh refills;
>>
>>>>> > > > that
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >300lb. bitch is starting to look
>>
>>> > HOT, just like this nuclear-waste
>>
>>>> > >I'm
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >eating.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip
>>
>>> > Remover
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli.
>>
>>> > Cayenne peppers freshly ground.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: chilli using shredded
>>
>>> > beef; could use more tomato. Must
>>
>>>>> > > > admit
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >the cayenne peppers make a strong
>>
>>> > statement.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I
>>
>>> > can no longer focus my eyes. I
>>
>>>> > >farted
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > and
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >four people behind me needed
>>
>>> > paramedics. The contestant seemed
>>
>>>> > >offended
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >when I told her that her chilli had
>>
>>> > given me brain damage. Sally
>>
>>>> > >saved
>>>
>>>>> > > > my
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>
>>> > beer directly on it from a pitcher.
>>
>>>> > >It
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >really pisses me off that the other
>>
>>> > judges asked me to stop
>>
>>>> > >screaming.
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > f**k
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >those rednecks!
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
>>
>>> > Variet Chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
>>
>>> > variety chilli. Good balance of
>>
>>>>> > > > spice
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >and peppers.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive
>>
>>> > use of peppers, onions, and
>>
>>>> > >garlic.
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Superb.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: My intestines are now a
>>
>>> > straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>
>>>>>> > > > > sulfuric
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >flames. No one seems inclined to
>>
>>> > stand behind me except that slut
>>
>>>>> > > > Sally.
>>>>
>>>>>> > > > > I
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >need to wipe my ass with a snow
>>
>>> > cone!
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming
>>
>>> > Sensation chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with
>>
>>> > too much reliance on canned
>>
>>>> > >peppers.
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
>>
>>> > chef literally threw in a can
>>
>>>> > >of
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > chilli
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >peppers at the last moment. I
>>
>>> > should note that I am worried about
>>
>>>> > >Judge
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Number 3. He appears to be in a bit
>>
>>> > of distress as he is cursing
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >uncontrollably.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: You could put a f**king
>>
>>> > grenade in my mouth, pull the
>>
>>>> > >f**king
>>>
>>>>> > > > pin,
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
>>
>>> > I've lost the sight in one eye,
>>
>>>> > >and
>>>
>>>>> > > > the
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >world sounds like it is made of
>>
>>> > rushing water. My shirt is covered
>>
>>>> > >with
>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >chilli which slid unnoticed out of
>>
>>> > my f**king mouth. My pants are
>>
>>>> > >full
>>>
>>>>> > > > of
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >lava-like sh*t to match my damn
>>
>>> > shirt. At least during the autopsy
>>
>>>>>> > > > > they'll
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >know what killed me. I've decided
>>
>>> > to stop breathing, it's too
>>
>>>> > >painful.
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > f**k
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >it, I'm not getting any oxygen
>>
>>> > anyway. If I need air, I'll just
>>
>>>> > >suck
>>>> > >it
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > in
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >through the f**king 4 inch hole in
>>
>>> > my stomach.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint
>>
>>> > chilli
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this
>>
>>> > is a nice blend chilli, safe for
>>
>>>> > >all,
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > not
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >too bold but spicy enough to
>>
>>> > declare its existence.
>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a
>>
>>> > good, balanced chilli, neither
>>
>>>> > >mild
>>>
>>>>> > > > nor
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >hot. Sorry to see that most of it
>>
>>> > was lost when Judge Number 3
>>
>>>> > >passed
>>>
>>>>>> > > > > out,
>>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >fell and pulled the chilli pot on
>>
>>> > top of himself. Not sure if he's
>>
>>>>> > > > going
>>>>
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >make it. Poor Yank.
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >
>>>>>>>> > > > > > >FRANK: -------------- (editor's
>>
>>> > note: Judge #3 was unable to
>>
>>>> > >report)
-
rxboy
- Mechanic
- Posts: 748
- Joined: Thu Feb 27, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: SE Melbourne
- Contact:
With Valentine's day fast approaching, here's one for the romantics at heart:
>THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME
> WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
>
> (PS - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE THESE IN YOUR VALENTINES CARDS! ENJOY !)
>
> Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
>
> But I only slept with you, because I was p*ssed.
>
> *************************
> I thought that I could love no other
>
> Until, that is, I met your brother.
>
> **************************
>
> Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
>
> But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
>
> the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head
>
> **************************
>
> Of loving beauty you float with grace
>
> If only you could hide your face.
>
> ****************************
> Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
>
> This describes everything you are not..
>
> ******************************
>
> I want to feel your sweet embrace
>
> But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
>
> *******************************
>
> I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
>
> Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
>
>
> ************************************
>
>
> My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
>
> Marrying you screwed up my life.
>
> ************\***********************
>
> I see your face when I am dreaming.
>
> That's why I always wake up screaming..
>
> ***************************************
>
> My love, you take my breath away.
>
> What have you stepped in to smell this way?
>
> ****************************************
>
> My feelings for you no words can tell
>
> Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
>
> *****************************************
>
> What inspired this amorous rhyme?
>
> Two parts vodka, one part lime.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
-
FTO338
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 6712
- Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Port Melbourne: Pimping with RX400h, B200 Turbo.
-
Boris
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1448
- Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2004 6:00 pm
hehehe, I got more on that theme:
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown... but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey... and you're a cutie
I just wish you had J-Lo's booty.
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown... but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey... and you're a cutie
I just wish you had J-Lo's booty.
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister
-
rxboy
- Mechanic
- Posts: 748
- Joined: Thu Feb 27, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: SE Melbourne
- Contact:
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
-
Supplanter
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6417
- Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2002 5:00 pm
- Location: Arizona Bay
- Contact:
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
LED ALL the things.
-
bexie
- Apprentice
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
These are the top five adult jokes for last year.
Number 5:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 4:
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
Number 3:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
Number 2:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My! God, Bill, what
happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired, too."
Number 1:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table, one morning, when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Number 5:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 4:
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
Number 3:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
Number 2:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My! God, Bill, what
happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired, too."
Number 1:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table, one morning, when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
-
bexie
- Apprentice
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
heres another goodie
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night !" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night !" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
-
Ther
- Grease Monkey
- Posts: 337
- Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: Sydney- Inner West
CONFESSION
>>
>> A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is
at
>> work.
>> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
>>
>> Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the
>> closet with the little boy.
>>
>> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The man says, "Yes it is."
>> Boy- "I have a baseball."
>> Man- "That's nice."
>> Boy- "Want to buy it?"
>> Man- "No, thanks."
>> Boy- "My dad's outside."
>> Man- "OK, how much?"
>> Boy- "$250."
>>
>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
mum's
>> lover are in the closet together.
>>
>> Boy- "Dark in here."
>> Man- "Yes, it is."
>> Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>> Boy- "$750."
>> Man- "Fine."
>>
>> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's
>> go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
>> The boy says, "I can't..... I sold them."
>> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>> The son says "$1,000."
>> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
>> that.
>> That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you
to
>> church and make you confess."
>>
>> They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
>> confession booth and he closes the door.
>>
>> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
>>
>> A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is
at
>> work.
>> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
>>
>> Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the
>> closet with the little boy.
>>
>> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The man says, "Yes it is."
>> Boy- "I have a baseball."
>> Man- "That's nice."
>> Boy- "Want to buy it?"
>> Man- "No, thanks."
>> Boy- "My dad's outside."
>> Man- "OK, how much?"
>> Boy- "$250."
>>
>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
mum's
>> lover are in the closet together.
>>
>> Boy- "Dark in here."
>> Man- "Yes, it is."
>> Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>> Boy- "$750."
>> Man- "Fine."
>>
>> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's
>> go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
>> The boy says, "I can't..... I sold them."
>> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>> The son says "$1,000."
>> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
>> that.
>> That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you
to
>> church and make you confess."
>>
>> They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
>> confession booth and he closes the door.
>>
>> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
-
Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23668
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
-
Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23668
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent."
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yes I am.. But only cause you started it."
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent."
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yes I am.. But only cause you started it."
-
Argie
- Apprentice
- Posts: 76
- Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:00 pm
- Location: Poole Harbour
2 friends sitting in a bar. One say's to the other,
"I murdered my wife today",
"You did what?" exclaimed his friend
"Murdered her, just like that, wham bam" came the reply
"I don't believe you" said his friend
"Ok i'll show you"
So off they went......
15 minutes later they arrived at the 'murderer's' house where both men went into the back garden.
"Where'd you bury your missus to then?" asked the man's friend
"Jus' round the corner"
They walked around the corner of the house. Then they saw it. An arse sticking out of the ground!
"Now do you believe me?" said one.
"Er, yeah, but why did you leave her arse poking out?"
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"Well i really needed somwhere to park my Pushbike!!!"
"I murdered my wife today",
"You did what?" exclaimed his friend
"Murdered her, just like that, wham bam" came the reply
"I don't believe you" said his friend
"Ok i'll show you"
So off they went......
15 minutes later they arrived at the 'murderer's' house where both men went into the back garden.
"Where'd you bury your missus to then?" asked the man's friend
"Jus' round the corner"
They walked around the corner of the house. Then they saw it. An arse sticking out of the ground!
"Now do you believe me?" said one.
"Er, yeah, but why did you leave her arse poking out?"
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"Well i really needed somwhere to park my Pushbike!!!"
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WildRide
- Grease Monkey
- Posts: 223
- Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: South Melbourne
arrggg.....must not post joke.....must resist urge....
...be nice to... visiting.... poms.....
Ah stuff it
Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
WR
...be nice to... visiting.... poms.....
Ah stuff it
Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
WR
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23668
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact: