The Joke Thread

[ObsidianRadio]

Saw a fat chick dancing on a table at the pub the other night, I walked up and said,' Wow! Those legs are amazing!'
She smiled and replied, 'Awwh realy? Thankyou babe'.
I then said, 'No, I was talking about the table's legs, most others would have broken by now..'


Ah, good 'ol facebook.

[mikeey01nzl]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18 hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat she says
"Well that's great.... That's just great some arseholes got my pen"

[aza013]

Sorry a little slow on that one ^^^^^^^^^ .

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:



'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'

[mikeey01nzl]

Husband & wife decide to make up a password for sex. (washing machine)
They go to bed & husband says "washing machine" wife says not tonight I've got a headache.
Half an hour goes by and she feels guilty so she says "washing machine" her husband replies
it's to late was only a small load so I've done it by hand.

[mikeey01nzl]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

[mikeey01nzl]

I went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye so I thought I better speak loudly to her because the b**ch obviously doesn't listen.

[mikeey01nzl]

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
Boob- I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex.
Vagina- That's nothing, I give birth to new borns and can accommodate the opposite sex. That's why I am the greatest

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

[mikeey01nzl]

Gee you aussies are good trolls.....

Dispute over the placement of a floodlight results in one hell of an Australian troll

http://thechive.com/2012/05/17/dispute- ... 12-photos/

[PHIL069]

^^^ thats funny ^^^
David Thorne is my new hero

David David David Oi Oi Oi

[Sahin]

I laughed when he was giving him clues as to the lamps whereabouts lol

[mikeey01nzl]

I thought you fellas would enjoy that troll one, it's bloody funny.


6yr old son in garden sees two spiders, son asks "is that a mummy long legs?"
Dad replies "no son there's no mummy long leg, only daddy long legs"
Dad felt proud of his answer, until son stomps on both spiders saying "well have none
of that *~delightful!~* sh*t in our fuckin garden ay dad"


Two police women are out on partrol with their police dog. One says "bugger I left my knickers back at the station"
the other one says "use the dog, just give him a sniff or your fanny and he'll go get them"
an hour later the dog arrives back with the knickers, two battons, a broom and three of the sargents fingers.

[AJ]

I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing.

I walked up to this girl at the bus stop and said, "Well, hello there. Any chance I could take you out later?" She motioned to her eyes and said,"Sounds good cheeky, but, my face is up here""Shhh face" I said "I'm talking to the tits."

[Storm]

In honour of Robin Gibb

Walked passed the fridge earlier and I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin..

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said 'I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' a chive..

[Bennoz]

[Sahin]

Wtf lol

[mikeey01nzl]

My granny went to Doctors and said "I'm getting far too much discharge"
Doctor say "pop your knickers off and get on the bed"
He puts on latex gloves, applies three fingers into her fanny.
"How does that feel?" "f**ken lovely" she replies "the discharge is in
my ear"

[Sahin]

You nz guys are fucked lol

[Daniel2019]

You nz guys are fucked lol

So are their sheep

[Sahin]

They f**k them too

[mikeey01nzl]

Hey enough of that, besides we learnt to share from you fellas across the ditch, get your own ...O hang on you already have ........


<----------- As the avatar shows ROFL




Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter went to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the twot, she screamed in pain
"What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "always check for squirrels"