The Joke Thread

[Storm]

[Taz]

YES!!! to all of the above

[bass_twitch]

A Broady woman walks into a Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids . . .
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'
'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames

(stolen, but worth it)

[Bennoz]

I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber.

"That's diigusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad."

[BUZZ_QWERTY]

I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber.

"That's diigusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad."

Bahahaha Dirty!

[AJ]

In a recent survey requested by the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, it has been proved that most Queensland men are most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for her by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of Queensland men, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[Supplanter]

In a recent survey requested by the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, it has been proved that most Queensland men are most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for her by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of Queensland men, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Clearly written by a NSW resident

[Bennoz]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We're having sex,
'cause I'm stronger than you.

Roses are red
Violets are Blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van.

[Astron_Boy]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We're having sex,
'cause I'm stronger than you.

Roses are red
Violets are Blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van.

fkn lol

[fraz91]

One morning, a husband, turns to his lovely wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, just you, me and the dog."

The wife frowns, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go...? I really don't want to go!"

"Ok, I'll give you three choices... One, You come fishing with me and the dog... Two, You give me a bl*w job.... or Three, you take it up the a$$!"

The wife frowns even more, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

A half hour later the husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BL*W JOB, or A$$?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a bl*w job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Ew! It tastes totally disgusting... It tastes sh*tty and stuff!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[Storm]

Blonde takes her broken car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill, but the mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes, and he says "nothing serious love, just sh*t in the air filter".


She replies "Really? How often do I have to do that?"

[Storm]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says “Fancy a shag Babe?”
I said “After the football love.”
She said “You do realise that you can record it?”
I said, “Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes.”

I went to see a psychic last weekend and was told that I would be coming into money.
Last night I shagged a girl called Penny - spooky or what?

Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said “Honestly, do I look fat in this.”
I replied “Yes love but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom.”

[Storm]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

[Storm]

My girlfriend reckons a small penis shouldn't affect our relationship.

All the same, I wish she didn't have one.


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk and talk again, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite worktops."



I've been going out with a homeless girl for a few weeks now...it's great,at the end of the night i can drop her off anywhere.



I went to my sex addicts class this evening.
My councillor thinks l have come a long way.
She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals.....Sounds like she's after a shag if you ask me.

[Storm]

I was at a fancy dress party last night when a fat chick approached me

"Hello" she blushed with a giggle, "I fancy you!"

"It's just a costume luv" I replied, "I'm not a real giant doughnut."

[mikeey01nzl]

A man and his wife went to the zoo. They noticed the gorilla had got a hard on as he looked at the wife.
Her husband says "lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him" The gorilla goes mental.
"Now get your tits out" The gorilla goes f**ken bezerk!
The husband opens the cage and pushes the wife in. "Now try telling that fucker you have a headache"

[aza013]

Great first post .

[mikeey01nzl]

Cheers.....

What a day I've had. I just got a new Navman and been driving around trying it out.
What a great little toy. I just typed Arsehole into it to see where I would end up, fark me
Stick the kettle on, I'm outside your house.

[Storm]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:



'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'

[Storm]

I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle...

although you wouldn't of thought it from the look on her miserable face as we were bouncing around..