The Joke Thread

[G1]

>CORPORATE LESSONS
>
>Corporate Lesson One
>
>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
>shower, when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
>one of them should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
>wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
>
>When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before
>she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $2000 to drop that towel that you
>have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
>naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $2000 and leaves.
>
>Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
>the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
>husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next-door
>neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything
>about the $2000 he owes me?"
>
>Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your stakeholders in time, you may be in a position to
>prevent avoidable exposure.
>
>
>Corporate Lesson Two
>
>A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
>stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed
>her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
>a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
>slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
>"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised
>profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
>remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his
>hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
>Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister, but the flesh
>is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
>glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
>to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
>further up, you will find glory."
>
>Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss
>a great opportunity.
>
>
>Corporate Lesson Three
>
>A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
>when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
>puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
>give each of you just one."
>
>"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
>driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
>
>In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
>Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
>of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
>
>"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
>those two back in the office after lunch."
>
>Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>
>Corporate Lesson Four
>
>A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the
>crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
>The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
>the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
>and ate it.
>
>Management lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very, very high up.

>
>Corporate Lesson Five
>
>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
>top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
>
>"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,
>"they're packed with nutrients."
>
>The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
>enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
>eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a
>fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
>
>Soon after, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
>tree.
>
>Management lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
>there.

[rxboy]

Some entertaining nursery rhymes:

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, but Little Boy Blue and his horn.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "F--- him, he's only an egg".


Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon


Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill and now, there's little Frankie

[GPXXX]

LoL, nice one Alex...

got this from a friend as a 'handy pickup tip' (only to be used in nightclubs apparently):

roses are red,
violets are blue,
let f**k...


pfffft... LoL

[rxboy]

[GPXXX]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/britneysubliminal.html

i knew there was always something quirky about that song...

[GPXXX]

LoL, is it??? didn't realise hahaha...

oh well, who enjoys Britney here?

[Slither]

Spears, Murphy or other

ah who cares their all good!!
why?

[GPXXX]

read my previous post prior to AJR...

[Slither]

Ha ha ha, nice!!!

who would play that song backwards though

[Supplanter]

Ha ha ha, nice!!!

who would play that song backwards though

Sounds better than playing it forwards

[GPXXX]

courtesy of Tanya:

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm.....they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having
sex. Again she asks her mother, "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[rxboy]

---in the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake Preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the Cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....
.
.
.
.
.
.
Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble

[smorison]

lol rxboy

on that note


two blondes walk into a building



you'd think one of them would have noticed it

[Guni_GuGu]

Loll! There are some good one in this thread... don't have much to add, except, my favorites were those corporate lessons... and that Britany thing is going to give me nitemares... Playing anything backwards like that, is just flat out freaky!!!

Has anyone confirmed it though? Does it really say that?

[rxboy]

FROM: Bin Laden, Osama. TO: All Al Qaeda Fighters.

SUBJECT: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that!

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal toaster/griller).

Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm tryin to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Bega cheese recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my Bega slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And Please - do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkey's there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soliders in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

[SchumieFan]

Bout time someone started one... keep it clean..... ish
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The Good, The Bad, The Ugly


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.


3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.


4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.


6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.


8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.


10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you

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The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''
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A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.
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A Bra, A Battery and a set of jump-leads walk into a bar.

The Battery and the set of Jump-leads go and site down and the Bra walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender for three pints.

The bar tender refuses to serve the Bra the drinks so the Bra asks why... the bar tender says...

"Because you're off your tits and your friends look like they are going to start something"
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Cmon people, post one so we can all have a laugh

Mike.

[Teania]

2 men walked into a bar....
you'd think the second one would have ducked


and my motto in life

..." If at first you don't succeed..... so much for sky diving "