FTO AUSTRALIA

Be on your guard, just had a warning from police about keys.
We have been warned about three keys than can open 87% of cars and 95% of houses.
The keys you need to be aware of are dar-keys, pa-keys & jun-keys.

LOL!

I got more of a laugh out of his avatar tbh

Not sure if this was off here or another forum, but it's hilarious nonetheless.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that ****ing Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in ****, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- ****, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)


That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

Tanjooberrymutts
By the time you read through this you will understand "Tanjooberrymutts". And only then will you be ready to take on China !
Believe me... you WILL understand!!! Here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.
The i-tit will cost $399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as woman are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!


Two families move from Afghanistan to Australia.When they arrive the two fathers make a bet.In a years time whichever family has become more Australian will win. A year later they meet again.The first man says "Gday mate,my sons play footy,i had a pie for lunch and i'm on my way to pick up a slab of VB.How about you?
The second man reples "f**k off ya rag head c**t"

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"
I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."
"I don't f**king believe you!" he shouted.
"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"

_________________

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist gits! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the blooming thing!

Two gays are shagging in an alley when a policeman arrives.One runs off,but the policeman grabs the other.
"You dirty,f**king bastards.If I'd caught your mate,this batten would've gone up his arse!"
A voice shouts "Yoo hoo,I'm in the wheelie bin....!!!


A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically,Dad says "That's a hard but i have an idea.Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for $1million".Mum says "Yes," Dad days,"Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the postman for $2million." Sister says "Yes" "Well there you go son that's your answer,Theoretically we're sitting on $3million but realistically we;re living with 2 sluts."

Teacher tells class,make a sentence ending in the word dough.
Little Jane says,"In Italy they make pizza using special dough' very good says teacher.
Mary says "My baby brother makes dinosaurs with play dough" excellent says teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand "My mummy says dad is such a lousy root she has to use a dill dough."

I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure" I said "I haven't got an erection" she said "no, but I have"

I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.

"Oohh" said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed do you know what they would fetch if they were alive?"

Sticks?

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub. Mary says, "I need a piss," goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He jokes, "Have you changed your sex?" Mary says, "No I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh*t!"

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa.

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Everyday
Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, dogstyle, any style.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer, asshole too tight and run to fast.

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse..

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..

2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

^^^^ Thats fuckn hilarious

The last one is the best FLOL

"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"

Sony 16:9

When God created women, he promised men that good, quiet and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.