FTO AUSTRALIA

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

An 11 year old girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.Her mom calmly said-"That part where hair has grown is called monkey,be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled.At dinner,she told her sister-"My monkey has grown hair" Her sister smiled and said-"Thats nothing,mine is already eating bananas." Mom fainted.


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Yesterday my boss put me in charge of discrimination in the workplace, I've got off to a flyer on my first morning!

So far I've called a black guy Kunta Kinte, a Chinese guy a Gook and told the receptionist to get her tits out.

Q. What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's the difference between a Aussie boy and a Aussie girl?
A. A Aussie girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Australia?
A. Fathers day

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The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford new batteries!

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A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
" I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,
"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers.
The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"
There was no answer so the pilot calls, "The next letter is *B* for 'Black people', are there any black people on board?"
Again silence. "Next letter is "C" - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first.
If that don't work we is Zulus !!!!!

This is an actual review on amazon.co.uk for Veet Hair Removal for Men...

A. Chappell

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts has only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I though I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them of as soft office types... oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two vege.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plug hole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found the tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind be. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a *~delightful!~* snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no vege had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering... "Ooooh that feels good".

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status.

So to some it up, Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases...
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things...
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water...

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods...
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left...

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss...
Then, slowly, the house began to smell...
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping,
and airing-out the place...
Vents were checked for dead rodents,
and carpets were steam cleaned...

Air fresheners were hung everywhere... Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting...
Nothing worked !!!People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house...

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls...

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge some of money from the bank to purchase a new place...

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going... She told him the saga of the rotting house... He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house...

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if he would sign the papers that very day...
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork...
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

And to spite the ex-husband,

they even took the curtain rods !!!

^ bloody funny

Read this one recently,
Recently, while I was tending the flower beds in our front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home after walking their dog.
During our cordial conversation, I asked their 12-year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She replied that she wanted to be Prime Minister one day.
Her parents — both Labour voters — were standing there, so I asked her: "If you become Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She instantly replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Gosh! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
So I said: "Well, you can come over to my house and mow the lawn, weed the flower borders and vegetable patches and trim my hedges, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go down to the Town Centre, find a homeless man and give him the $50 to buy food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
"Welcome to the Liberal," I said.
For some reason, her parents don’t speak to me any more!!!!!!

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Aye, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Naw, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Aye,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Naw,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

from a friend on FB, preserving it before it gets deleted lol

Oh I dunno... that might be fun

Bennoz wrote:Oh I dunno... that might be fun

I see Thailand has left a "bigger mark" on you than originally anticipated?

BorepYano wrote:

Bennoz wrote:Oh I dunno... that might be fun

I see Thailand has left a "bigger mark" on you than originally anticipated?

On or in?

You should really get those marks checked.

Bennoz wrote:Oh I dunno... that might be fun

Yet you persistently insist you are not of the g4y...

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.


THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

So the wife told me i should get in touch with my feminine side..
So after crying for ages about f**k all, burning dinner and reversing the car into the fence, I bet she wishes she'd shut up..

Will You Live to see 85?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeh I just reached 65).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85?

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.