The Joke Thread

[AJ]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

[AJ]

Breaking News:

Police in Sydney just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000
semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank
missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, $50 million in forged banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Bankstown.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!!"

[Kustom]

Ohh.... God.......



What am I saying, i'm giving you ammo! Was wondering how long it would take you to post that one up.

[Storm]

My missus said to me "I want to make my boobs bigger"

I said "make your boobs bigger?"

She said "yes I want plastic surgery to make them bigger",

I said "you don`t need plastic surgery to make your boobs bigger, what you do is you take a piece of toilet paper and you rub it between your boobs"

She replied "that won`t make my boobs bigger!"

I said "of course it will, look what it's done to your f***ing arse!"

[Bennoz]

Whats black & runny?

Cathy Freeman

[BorepYano]

storm, LOVE your signature lol

[Supplanter]

Whats black & runny?

Cathy Freeman

[topgun]

A teenage girl asks her mum ''is it true that babies come out of where boys put their penis?" "Yes" says mum. "f**king Hell" says the girl, "Wont that break my jaw!"

[topgun]

Some bastard has just nicked a pair of my missus knickers off the washing line. Shes not bothered about the knickers, but wants her 22 pegs back!!

[Storm]

My sons going out with Siamese twins

It's not as bad as it sounds though, he's going out with the good looking one !

-----------------------------------------------

My sons going out with Siamese twins

Two birds, one bush

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My sons going out with annorexic twins

Two birds, one stone

[topgun]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was *~delightful!~*, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[AJ]

Some bastard has just nicked a pair of my missus knickers off the washing line. Shes not bothered about the knickers, but wants her 22 pegs back!!

Very funny! I like it

[topgun]

Couple of one liners!!

Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Q. What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

[SchumieFan]

I pulled a dyslexic chick last night...

unfortunately she cooked my sock....

[Kustom]

[Storm]

My missus asked why we always have anal sex, implying that I was *~delightful!~*!

I just said shut up, and why aren't you wearing that firemans uniform I bought you?

[koolio1234]

My missus asked why we always have anal sex, implying that I was *~delightful!~*!

I just said shut up, and why aren't you wearing that firemans uniform I bought you?

LOL

[brad_gpx]

Damn I failed my biology quiz today

The question was: name 2 things you find in cells.

I answered: coons and abos

[brad_gpx]

Damn I failed my biology quiz today

The question was: name 2 things you find in cells.

I answered: coons and abos

[Supplanter]

You failed Forum Posting 101 too.

Double posting = instant fail.