The Joke Thread

[JohanGPX]

Not exactly a 'joke' - but it's funny as f**k

[Bennoz]

[rock_it]

That engine sold for $500 ...

Here is the full ebay link ...

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/200634058023 ... 3D1&_rdc=1

[I8A4RE]

It's not a 2jz, it will NOT decimate all.

Now this is a 2jz

[JohanGPX]

It's not a 2jz, it will NOT decimate all.

Now this is a 2jz

I've seen something very similar to that before

[Storm]

Did you hear about the blind castrator?.......


......He got the sack

[dawn16]

At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, “watch out for the wall!”

[aza013]

this an olds one but still a

Polk County Florida Sheriff
You kill a policeman it means no arrest...no Miranda rights...no negotiations...nothing but as many bullets as we can shoot into you...PERIOD.


An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had." Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE of 2009) . . . "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

Now that, my friends, is common sense...........

[AJ]

J oe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36..

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[Storm]

I was shagging this bird in the woods the other day when I said to her "do you want to go on top?"

She just looked at me as if I was stupid and said "I take it this is your first rape!"

[sublime19]

J oe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36..

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

LOL

[Storm]

I was shagging this really fat bird and I said, “Can we have the light switched off?”

She said, “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”

“No", I said,"it’s burning my arse”.

[Bennoz]

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth
you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive
device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap
about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and
expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, we
now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.

Shalom!"

[Bennoz]

[koolio1234]

^^^ hahaha

[Storm]

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said, "Yes, but what would I get in return?" She said I could play with her breasts. I thought, "That’s fair. Tit for tat."

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently, “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

[Storm]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home,we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says,"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me, ...................I've Quit Drinking!"

[Kustom]

[AJ]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ” "Don't do that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.


I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you, or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the beer.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty (ER).
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was !!!

As westlife announce the split, Louis Walsh claims his heart is all over the place. Thankfully thou, his penis is still going in One Direction.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the fokkin' skippin".



Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[AJ]

A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says,

“I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
____________________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently. It read.

“Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

_____________________________________________


Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – Is that spooky or what?

_____________________________________________________


The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”

Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.