The Joke Thread

[Taz]

Fkn

[Storm]

Just got the official Led Zeppelin sat nav and I have to say its rubbish.

It just told me “there are two roads you can go down, but in the long run, there’s still time to change the road you’re on”

[Supplanter]

Just be grateful it didn't send you to Kashmir.

[Storm]

Just be grateful it didn't send you to Kashmir.

The Rush one I had previously did that when I tried to get to Bangkok. It said our first stop is in Bogotá, Jamaica, Acapulco then Morocco, and the East...

[phi-tec]

My job is so f**king unbelievable. I'll try to some it up by first telling you about the dicks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f**king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f**king dog to work. Every f**king day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f**king day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t

[BearOnFire]

My job is so f**king unbelievable. I'll try to some it up by first telling you about the dicks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f**king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f**king dog to work. Every f**king day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f**king day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t

Mysteries still f**king remains.
Did you f**k that red head?

[Supplanter]

Jinkies!

[BearOnFire]

J/k.
Almost like the time i was truck driving for the council. The type of people you get is unheard of



There were two peanuts. One was a salted.

[Bennoz]

Try the schnitzel, he's here all week!

[BearOnFire]

The schnitzel had the efficient feel, but the T-bone had the million dollar feel

[SchumieFan]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[koolio1234]

A pregnant woman from Vancouver gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma.

Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no
longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
from Quebec came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew.


-----------------------------------------------------------


A wife gives her husband a watch for his birthday. "Well do you like it?", She asks

"Yes" replies the husband, "This is lovely, in fact it reminds me of your vagina!"

"Oh, is that because its exclusive & sexy?" she asks

"No!" he said, "it's because its loose around my wrist!

[Storm]

New Wipers

I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working.

Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.

They were outrageously expensive (being French), but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great .. Let me know if you would like a pair for your car.

[Storm]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What
are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of
Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Storm]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She ' s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

' Don ' t worry about that, ' says St. Peter,

' It ' s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings. '

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God, ' says the old lady, ' now what is happening? '

' Not to worry, ' says St. Peter,

' She ' s just having her head drilled to fit the halo. '

' I can ' t do this, ' says the old lady, ' I ' m going to hell. '

' You can ' t go there, ' says St. Peter.

' You ' ll be raped and taken advantage of. '




' Maybe so, ' says the old lady, ' but I ' ve already got the holes for that.. '

[Bennoz]

What's six inches long and not getting sucked this Valentines?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe

[Taz]

Too soon? NEVER!

[Supplanter]

What's six inches long and not getting sucked this Valentines?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe

Recycling your Amy Winehouse jokes from last year?

[Bennoz]

[Supplanter]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.