FTO AUSTRALIA

So true

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start.
Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a band-aide or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it
up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yea right

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw
It at the garage wall, then find some multi-grips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife
"Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap ...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RACQ Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively,
clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, except what you need to do.

Nice one!

At least it reads better than the FTO Workshop Manual.


Refer to section 1.8 once you've referred to section 4.3 once you've read section 5.6 and 5.7 once you've referred to section 1.8

That is the funniest thing I have read in a very, very long time.

I don't even know which bit I like best...

I think that his is my fave:

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively,
clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Gold!!!!!!

Yep - still laughing!

Coopers inspired laughs they are too - the best kind!


Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start.
Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Hehehehehe

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

There's a large stock of elastoplast band aids in my garage